Something on your mind? Do you have a problem that needs attention from someone who'll not only solve it but help you discover things about yourself? Then this is the wrong advice column for you. Please seek qualified counseling from someone who'll really be able to help.

But if you want a total stranger with no training whatsoever to give you the truth, Dear Famous is your man. And YES, these are REAL QUESTIONS from REAL PEOPLE I've been emailed, asked on a message board, or IM'd at one time. Identities will be changed/hidden to protect the innocent, but I doubt anyone who reads or writes here will be all that innocent....

Dear Famous,

I have a problem. I feel a little wierd writing to you because I don't even know you. Well, here goes nothing...

I've been married for seven years. My husband was my high school sweetheart. Just recently (in the past couple of months,) he's been drinking alot. He's promised me that he will go to AA meetings, but I don't think that he will. Also, I've found the proverbial lipstick on his collar. I cleaned out his car and found a used condom. I don't know if it's just from him masturbating (because he uses one when he does,) or if he's actually cheating on me!

I don't know if you're in a relationship or if you've ever been married, but I thought that maybe you could help me. What do you think I should do?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Hmmmm... Let me put on my "advice cap", light a grandfatherly pipe, scrunch my brow, and prepare to dispense some wisdom. You've got a husband that drinks too much, doesn't adhere to promises, and leaves behind clues to his infidelities that would make even the most incompetent and shadiest divorce lawyers drool with anticipation. What do I think you should do? Get pregnant. Nothing stabilizes a fading relationship like a child...

NO! BAD JAMES... Bad James...

Here's a thought... Ask him if something's going on. If he has a logical, believable explanation (which I seriously doubt, but that's another issue) than you'll have to decide whether or not you believe it. If you do, good for you. Problem solved. If you don't, then there's a trust issue that you'll have to work out. But you'll never know if you don't ask.

Personally, if it were me, I'd walk. Once there's a ring and a priest involved in the relationship, some things (like, oh, I don't know... drinking too much and leaving used condoms behind) just aren't acceptable anymore.

Dear Famous,

You seem to be suffering (joke) from an ailment some indean people call enlightenment. Dont try and fool me i can read right though that bordom crap, what you have is enlightenment. would you like to comment? I've seen people like you before, i know the type, trust me its enlightenment, and yes this is a run on sentence and yes insomnia is common, if not the only external, sign of enlightenment that the unenlightened might possibly recongnize it by.

By the way i am also enlightened too (double positive) thats how i can recognize you so easily.

By the way i found this site by searching for "growing Cannibus" on yahoo.com it was one of the first few links.

Corwin

Dear Corwin,

Enlightned? Me? Sounds kinda boring, in my humble opinion...

Hey, I can't help it if (for some strange, unknown reason) people pick up on things I say. Again, this page is a joke. A total abuse of free time by an idiot who's wasting what little talent he (arguably) might have here, doing little more than telling the truth and posting crappy pics of 80s metal bands playing in clubs.

If you'd like to truly comprehend the sound of one hand clapping, you'll need to send enormous sums of money to me without hesitation. Dammit, I've got hosting costs to cover, and my readers just aren't as stupid as I thought - t-shirt sales are really lousy. But then again, so are the t-shirts...

In a nutshell, my comment on "enlightenment" would best be to relay the immortal words of Socrates... "The only true wisdom consists of knowing that you know nothing" and then adding... "But if you can put nothing into complete sentences, and then post it on the internet, people will actually think that you know something."

Dear Famous,

Do you have any suggestions on ways to quit smoking pot. Although I doubt any answer you give me will make a difference. I love to smoke it, but know that it holds me back, eating away at my motivation, determination, and social skills. Just wondering your thoughts on that.

Thanks

wow... a serious question! Are you sure you came to the right place though? I mean, personally, I'm not a drug user at all and love to see people embrace sobriety, but in case you hadn't noticed, one of the most popular features here happens to be a column written by someone with tendencies to (over) indulge on occasion...

I can say that the only way to quit doing something is to actually WANT to quit. If you really don't want to quit, you never will. Regardless of what I say, regardless of how convincing an argument I could make for giving it up, if you don't want to do it for yourself, you won't.

But since you recognize that it is having an adverse effect on you, you've already accomplished the first step. But now comes the hard part - you're gonna have to change an awful lot around you in order to get through the early parts of kicking the habit. Based on my observations, pot's really more of a social drug. It's not the thing to do just to get loaded or to avoid withdrawal in the morning. I'm thinking the addiction is more psychological than physical. That means changing some psychological conditions that would leave you vulnerable.

First, you'll need the support of your friends/family. ESPECIALLY the ones you smoke with. They need to know that you want to give it up, and that you need them to be supportive. That means not giving you shit about wanting to quit, and not smoking around you. If they won't give you this consideration, you'll need to let them go. Think about it - which is more important? A handful of folks who want to keep you in a situation that you've already noticed is unhealthy? Or real friends who want you to be happy? Your real friends will support you.

OK, now that we've removed some of the reasons you indulge, let's try to change your focus... Think about what you enjoy doing. Think about how you want your life to be. Isn't there some hobby you love to do, but never seem to have time to develop it fully? You're gonna make the time to do it now. Trust me. Go fly that kite. Write a journal. Practice playing an instrument. Anything to keep your mind occupied until cravings subside.

Essentially, the trick to beating a psychological habit is to remove the inspiration for it, and then to distract yourself while you retrain yourself with new habits and stimulations.

It also never hurts to consult a real doctor. I hate to sound preachy or judgemental, but it's a simple fact that when you ingest chemicals over a long period of time, you fuck up your brain chemistry. You might need some medical help to rebalance yourself for a while

Good luck, and keep in touch!

Dear Famous,

I joined an online singles dating community. That should tell you something all by itself. I was chatting with a man. He suggested that he wants to be my love slave. I told him that he should start calling me Mistress. He is not worthy enough to call me by my full name. He also wanted me to give him a slave name. I did, Servant Daisy, after my favorite flower. He has to earn his masculinity. This sounds odd already. First of all, I am not a dominatrix. Second, I have to figure out how to have a B&D relationship online. I have no clue where to start. Do you think Famous James can help a long time reader in this little dilemma?

I'd love to, but wouldn't I have to get permission first, Mistress?

OK, that was bad, I admit it. But I laughed.

On to the answer... How to start a B/D relationship online. First I'd need to know for sure what B/D means. Assuming it's what I think it is, I would then wonder why you would find that stimulating. I would also wonder why you wouldn't just find a real live person instead of some stranger online. Typing is NOT sexual, no matter what it is that you're typing. Being in a locked room with a consenting adult is sexual.

I say go do that and unplug the computer.

But I'm not gonna be preachy and judgemental. If you want this guy to prove that he has earned masculinity, you should tell him that the only thing that really gets you hot is credit card numbers. Only the most masculine of men have high credit limits, and you can judge accordingly. Tell him that size DOES matter, and that you're in need of the biggest. Then mention the credit card thing. If that works, please consider visiting the Gift Shop.

Dear Famous,

I have a two part question... 1) Is there any good way to get your boss fired even though the only reason you can come up with is simply that she is a colossal bitch? And 2) Do people actually live in Idaho or is it entirely populated with potatoes?

Thanks for your help on these matters that have kept me up many a sleepless night.

The best way to get your boss fired? Well, I suppose you could tell HER boss that she's the one responsible for posting the stories on the Wacky Customer page of this site... It's managed to generate all kinds of heat for me from bigwigs at my corporate home office. Glad to know they're spending work time looking at my site though, which I should mention is written 100% at my home, away from my office.

Regarding Idaho, can't say I've ever been there. But I would like to know whose job it is to shoot up the potatoes with beef lard so McDonalds can have those bitchin' fries...

Dear Famous,

i have a problem. i was in the supermarket today, and i saw something unbelievable. a woman was shopping with her 13ish daughter. the woman was in her mid thirties but looked to be in her mid fourties. She was wearing pants two sizes too small and a cutoff, thriftshop sweater. she was overweight, so when she reached up, i was able to count the strech marks on the part of her belly that hung over her TIGHT pants. you are asking what my problem is? i'm not done.

with this woman was her 13ish daughter. the girl was also overweight. her mother was pushing her around in a cart with an extra chair attached for the disabled. you've seen those carts at the store, they are for people who have a sick relative. well, this woman was carting her little osbourne clone daughter all over the store. i found them in the deli section.

the daughter had ordered a sandwich, chips and a pepsi. they had not paid for them, mind you, yet the little porker just couldn't wait. she busted out that sandwich and started eating as her mother pushed her around in the cart. her mother said something about the cart being too heavy, and the daughter mumbled some smart-ass remark. the mother then continued to push her daughter to the check out line.

why did this woman even bother with this type of cart in the first place? why did she allow her daughter to eat something that was not paid for? why was she wearing tight pants? i couldn't fathom these people. i stood with my mouth agape and my brow furrowed, and suddenly it dawned on me that i have lost my will to live.

my problem is which method of suicide is best? any recommendations?

stumped in safeway.

Dear stumped in safeway,

Hmmm... Your email address looks familiar. My best recommendation would be suicide by overworking yourself, ideally in someone else's department. (It'll be quicker that way) Nothing says "commitment" like unpaid overtime. I've found that if you put the extra effort into your OWN work, the burn is much slower and more painful. Trust me on this one...

But frankly, if you can afford to shop at Safeway, it means I didn't do a very good job negotiating my salary...

Dear Famous,

I'm sure it's a story you've heard a multitude of times, but nevertheless, I haven't lived it a multitude of times so I don't know exactly what to do. I've been single for awhile and I decided to try the online dating thing. I've met some freaks and geeks, but I did actually wind up meeting a very nice guy from it. We've been dating for a little over a month and we share many things in common, from basic political beliefs to sense of humor. He's 25 and has not been single since he was 20. He dated someone for 4 years and then another person for 1 year and shortly after they broke up, he met me. He says he needs "time" and I completely understand that. But on the other hand, I am looking for something more serious and I've laid my cards out and said that I felt it would be best if we parted company since my emotions were already becoming involved. But, he stuck with his point and begged me not to leave because he had a strong feeling that I was "the one", and to please just understand that he needs to have time because he doesn't want to wish he was single 5 years down the road if we commit to something serious now. One minute he says things like, "If I had met you 5 years ago, you know we'd be married right now" And the next minute he says, "I need to be single. I haven't ever really been single" There is also one other strange occurance that I'd like to mention....his grandmother left him a necklace after she died... She was an artist and a Scorpio and I am an artist and a Scorpio. She was his favorite grandmother and they were very close...anyway, he always said that when he found the woman who would wear that necklace, he would know that she was "the one"...I hadn't seen it but he had told me that it was gold. I don't really wear gold and I told him so and he said, "Oh I guess that rules you out...you know, I would have it platinumized for you"...anyway, one night at his house he showed it to me and I nearly died. It was a celtic cross. The reason it freaked me out is because, I only wear celtic jewelry and I went to Ireland last summer and tried to find a celtic cross necklace there, but to no avail. He didn't even realize it was a celtic cross until I showed him the earrings that I had on which were very similar to the necklace, only they were silver. Anyway, I took it as a sign...maybe I shouldn't have...maybe I'm just overly analytical... I don't know what to do.

OK... You're both still young, and have really only invested a month into the relationship. It's still too early for him to be saying "if only...we'd be married right now". Sounds like he still needs a little time to figure out what he really wants. I think you should enjoy what you've got - a potentially rewarding relationship - and not try to overanalyze or predict where it's headed. You don't know just yet, because he doesn't know what he wants. Don't throw it away, but don't give ultimatums yet. It takes two to make the whole thing work, and he's not capable of putting 100% into it just yet. It's a risk, but if you really get along as well as you think you do, you'll be able to hang in there until he comes around. But don't fall too hard. Keep your friends, and your options open until he's ready to commit.

Dear Famous,

ok i have a problem. i have this great guy. hes everything that i want in a guy. funny, cute, caring, all the qualities. the problem is after a couple weeks of goin out im juss gettin bored with it. but i dont want to lose him bc hes like perfect. what do i do?? please help. thank u soo much!!!!

Hmmm... where have I heard this scenario before? You know, the one where the nice guy bores the girl and everything goes to shit because the guy is actually trying his best to be good and the girl just doesn't appreciate it? I could swear I've heard something similar... Naaah... As a LOT of people tried to tell me when I was explaining this issue a few months ago ON THIS VERY PAGE, I'm completely wrong and there are no good guys left, because good guys are what women want, and how dare I suggest that women would rather seek unpredictability and don't appreciate consistency 'cause it bores them...

OK, now that I've done my little Superior Dance, let's work on your problem...

The first thing you need to do is figure out which side he falls on - is he boring, or perfect? Let's say he's boring. If you just don't enjoy being with him, it isn't fair to him to string him along and try to pretend you're leading him somewhere. You'll need to let him go. Will that suck? Very much. But it'll only get more complicated and difficult the longer you draw it out.

Let's assume he's perfect, and he treats you well. If that's the case, what are you complaining about? Did you ever think that maybe the reason you're bored is because you're letting him do all of the work and you're just along for the ride? If he's not taking you to places you enjoy, or out to do things you like to do, speak up! If he's only talking about things that bore the crap out of you, change the subject! If the two of you are meant to be, you'll be able to do so without fear of pissing him off. Maybe he's bored too and afraid to speak up because he doesn't want to upset you.

Trust me, just tell him what you like doing, or talk to him about things that intrigue you. If he doesn't get the hint, or keep up on the conversation, lose him. Same goes for him. Life's too short to be unhappy.

Dear Famous,

There's someone i dated almost 3 years ago.. we only dated about 6 m onths but i loved him so much. he cheated on me and decided that he wasn't ready for a relationship so we broke it off. since then every few months he shows back up in my life and sometimes we hook up and sometimes we dont. well about2 months ago he called and we've been hanging out. being with him makes me happy and there is a huge attraction to him as well. i love him to death and he's told me the same. we've both had past relationships since then but we both admit that nothing feels as good as when we're together. there's one problem. i have boyfriend now and for the past year and a half. he's wonderful and i love him as well.. i see him in my future and he's so good to me. the question is... hwo can you go on with your life and present relationship knowing you love someone else..? i'm so confused and i don't know what to do about it.
always,
the first love you just can't shake

Simple answer - you can't go left and right at the same time. From a "love" perspective, you're short-changing BOTH guys, AND yourself. It's not love unless you give AND get 100%, and you can't give 100% to two people.

But it's not always that simple. I see two possibilities - (1) There's something missing in your present relationship that makes you look for stimulation elsewhere. Only you know what that might be. Or the more likely scenario - (2) You're afraid to *really* fall for your present boyfriend, and the fact that he is so good to you makes you hesitant to want to leave him. You say you love him, but I think you're just afraid to confront the reality that you don't. You're comfortable with the IDEA of loving him, and the possiblity of a stable relationship. But you're not in love with the man himself.

It's easy to go back to an old flame because it's comforting. But remember that you can never really go home. You broke up for a reason. Unless that reason is completely invalid now, you're only tempting fate by going back with him. You're also taking a chance of screwing up a good relationship in the now. Do you think HE'd understand if he knew you were screwing around with an ex?

You've got a decision to make. Personally, I think you'd be better off on your own for awhile until you sort out your feelings.

Dear Famous,

okay, so now i've gotta ask: what is a hottie? for real. how is a hottie defined? hell, how is a hottie 'created'? how is the label earned? or is it not earned at all, is a hottie simply "born" a hottie?

For me? Or for the world? Well, who cares about what the rest of the world thinks, this site is about ME. ME ME ME. So without reducing my description to the lowest common denominator and just saying "Blonde with nice hooters", I'll just tell you all what I like... First, the physical...

Actually, there really aren't too many physical consistencies. (At least none that don't have deep-seeded psychological dysfunctions, anyways...) What looks good on one person doesn't necessarily look good on another. But generally, superficial qualities I find attractive are:

1) Nice hair. I generally prefer it to be on the long side, but as long as it's healthy-looking and maintained in some capacity it'll work for me.
2) Slim build. That's not to say that I mind a little meat on the bones, but I've gotta be honest. If I have to pick between the extremes, I'll pick thin almost every time.
3) High cheekbones. I don't know why, but this is an incredible turn-on. Maybe it's a function of me liking generally thin girls, and their thinness is more likely to result in a more sculptured face.
4) Red lips. No, I don't mean those fake "Broadway Red" shades... But I do like a little color. Especially when it contrasts the skin a little.

And of course, the personality side:

1) Sense of humor. Critical. If she doesn't have one, things will get boring really fast.
2) A nurturing side. Everyone likes to feel pampered on occasion
3) Independence, but just a hint of vulnerability. She's got to have a focus, and an idea of what she wants, and the tools to get it. But knowing that she's been hurt before, or has a emptiness that I can fulfill is a very attractive characteristic. Guess it's the nurturing side of me.
4) An introverted nature, but a wild side. I'm not outgoing at all. But I do like to do spontaneous things, and don't mind making an ass out of myself on occasion (my readers already know this...). She should understand that.

In a nutshell, I think I've described the perfect woman. Anyone know her?

Dear Famous,

I just started kind of seeing this guy. It's been a week, however, I can tell already that i like him a lot. You see I've always been so terrible at dating but with him I'm not as nervous, where I can actually enjoy myself. However, I nelgected to ask b4 going out on our 1st date if he was seeing anyone. To get to the point, I think he was trying to get at that yes he does date, and that maybe he is dating now, even while talking to me. I didnt get too deep into it that's why Im not sure what he meant by "he's dating".....but I really care for him and even though i date one guy at a time, maybe it's too early to tell if he likes me then maybe he wont have to continue dating the other girls......he said he wanted to get to know me, and since then he's asked me out again for a second date. He seemed sincere about the whole situation but I dont want to have to share him nor go out with a man who is playing around with other women....I dont want to be treated like 2nd best.!!! I mean this isnt the dating game where I'm here hoping he'll pick me... you see i dont want to do that either. I just dont know if i should continue to see him to see what he's all about and for him to see what i'm about, or stop seeing him completely..if he wants to go out with women fine....i just won't be one of them

"He's dating" means he's seeing other people when he gets the chance. That doesn't necessarily signify anything though. There's nothing wrong with dating different people at the same time. All "dating" means is "getting to know someone". You SHOULD date many people when you get the chance, it'll increase the likelihood that you'll find a good one. And by "dating", I don't mean sleeping around. To each their own on that issue, but I've found that it complicates things. But you should absolutely (as should he) spend time with many different people until you each get an idea of what you like.

"He's dating" also doesn't mean that he's got a collection of women and a little black book. Here's a thought - maybe he's just letting you know that he's available and not committed to anyone, in the hopes that the two of you might be able to start something up. You said he was sincere, and that he did ask you out again.

My advice - go out with him a time or two more if you like him and had a good time. If you find that you both like each other, you'll spend more time together. If not, at least you'll get out for a night and be a step closer to figuring out what you are (or aren't) looking for. Good luck!

Dear Famous,

Why do you always say that girls don't like nice guys? Maybe it's something other than being *too nice* that causes you problems.

Problems caused by something other than my general nature? Very possible. But let's not focus JUST on me for this discussion.

The simple fact is that girls do NOT like nice guys. That's not to say they don't like having nice things done for them. Absolutely, they do. That's not to say that they all want boorish inconsiderate jerks. To suggest otherwise would be sheer lunacy. I'm not even saying that it's wrong to NOT like nice guys. But put simply, they DON'T value "niceness" as a desirable quality. Many of them say they do, and will in fact get pissed off at me for suggesting otherwise. But actions speak louder than words.

Women enjoy emotional stimulation, and emotions are heightened by extremes. "Niceness" is generally characterized by responsibility, consistency, and stability. These traits have little variation, and in essence, provide little stimulation. She'll enjoy getting cards, flowers, compliments, phone calls, etc. But after a while, she will tire of them as they become more routine. As she withdraws from the lack of new stimuli, the "nice" side of the guy kicks into overdrive, senses the withdrawal, and turns up the "niceness". This further desensitizes the woman to "nice" behavior. Until she meets someone new. The rush of stimulation from being in a new relationship (with a guy who doesn't care if there's already someone in the picture) enhances the emotional experience. BAM. Nice guy gone because he's "boring", new guy in because he's "exciting".

Since the new guy doesn't respect the protocol of a relationship (ending one before beginning another), he continues to play around. Woman senses HIS withdrawal, and tries harder to keep him. The cycle repeats, in reverse, with the woman thinking that the guy might change and come around, while the guy feels smothered by the woman's persistence in pursuing his change.

I've lived this, I've observed this, and I spent YEARS studying it (and other personality traits) in college. Women like having nice things done for them. But they do NOT like nice guys. The end.

ps - Yes, I know that there are exceptions to every rule. But simple fact is, I'm not hideously ugly. I've got some money, a job, a sense of humor, and know how to take care of myself (and others). I've got the superficial BS down. If even I can't get it to work, then it's obvious there's a problem. That problem has been told to me by countless (former) girlfriends, and girl friends alike - "You're too nice". Bullshit. Being "too nice" is like being "too rich". There's no such thing. What they really meant to say was, "You're too easily attached and consistent in behavior, and I find that boring. So I'm going elsewhere to seek stimulation".

Dear Famous,

dude my girlfriend is getting hella fat! what do I do?

Well, weight gain is often a symptom of depression. I wonder why she might be depressed, with a kind and supportive man like you by her side...

If you love her, you'll see through it. Let's be honest here - you're gonna gain weight too. Or your hair's gonna turn gray. Or fall out. Or all 3. Do you really think old people that have stayed married think "Wow, I can hardly wait to bend your wrinkled butt over the bathroom sink tonight". Of course not, which goes to prove that the looks are what catches you at first, but the person is what keeps you later. If you can't realize that, well, you're not in love with her.

But assuming you really are in love with her, and your concern is about her health and not just about being reluctant to fool around with the lights on, then you need to help. Think of it as a bonding experience - exercise with her (I know of at least one great way to burn calories...). Play a sport together. Be active. If she's not into that, just cut back on the junk food. I can say that there are only two ways to lose weight - Eat less, exercise more. All of the rest of those books, pills, diets, health food fads, whatever - ALL bullshit. If you don't reduce caloric intake, AND speed up your metabolism, you're not doing a lick of good. Also, watch out for highly caloric "health" foods. Those fruit smoothies that are made with "all natural ingredients"? Often in excess of a thousand calories. A bagel, with almost no fat? Often in excess of 500 calories, BEFORE you add the cream cheese. Remember - butts don't care where the calories come from.

Basically, you need to decide if it's the person you love, or the package that the person comes in. If it's the person, you know what you need to do - be supportive. If it's just the package, you also know what you need to do. Go cheat. But don't come crying to me when she leaves your sorry butt behind and finds someone who can appreciate her.

Dear Famous,

Hello i have this problem with my ex. we break up constantly and then he says the sweetest things of what i wanna hear and then we wind up goin back out. i tell myself every time that i won't go back to him and i do...what should i do???... i know that i shouldn't go back to him, but how do i do that? he has cheated on me and lied soo many times and it makes it harder every time. tell me what i should do.

How do you keep from going back to someone who lies to you, cheats on you, and runs you over an emotional roller coaster? Am I missing something here? My question to you is, how COULD you keep going back to that? Leopards don't change their spots, my dear. Messing up once makes someone human. Forgiving a person once makes someone adult. Messing up the same thing repeatedly makes him an idiot incapable of learning. Forgiving someone repeatedly for the same thing makes you a glutton for punishment, and also incapable of learning. He's not gonna change - you've already seen that.

I don't mean to be nasty, but you need a wake up call. Realize that you deserve better and shouldn't put up with his garbage. And DON'T.

Dear Famous,

I don't know what to do? He isn't responding to any of my letters. I won't call because his mom just hangs up on me. Long story... Help, I need advice. I am friends with all of my past realtionships. However he is the only one I have ever loved. I need to keep him in my life. But how? I think his mom isn't giving him my letters. She is very manipulative and coniving. Thats how she got him back home. She thinks she lives in a soap opra and she is the only person with a degree in everthing from watching Judge Judy. I am not over exaggerating it either. Help................

You're not giving me much to work with, but I'll try... Sounds like you've been dumped, and you're not over it. As for "needing" to keep him in your life, I'd have to know the circumstances behind the relationship's end. My general feeling is that anyone who ends a relationship really isn't worthy of the love of the other. So stop chasing it. If he's not interested, he's not interested. Nothing you do will change that, nor should it. If he's not returning letters, consider yourself single. If you really feel the need to "test" whether or not he's getting them, send one via registered mail and make him sign for it. But I'll warn you, that's really not very healthy behavior.

My thoughts - if this guy is such a wuss that he can't even stand up to his family and continue to see you, you're not missing much. How do you expect him to defend you against strangers if he's not even capable of defending you against people who supposedly care about his happiness? Trust me, you don't need that aggravation. Forget about his mother being overbearing. It shouldn't be an issue to a guy who's got a proper perspective of a healthy relationship.

Sorry to say, yours doesn't sound too healthy. GET OUT of it, and go find someone more worthy. Trust me, you will.

Dear Famous,

I had to share this with someone who might appreciate it. I was reading my Vanity Fair magazine and it listed a web site called www.losers.org, so always looking for a way to feel superior to others, I decided to check it out. Basically, people can submit other people's web pages to be judged as "losers". I was torn between "there but for the grace of God go I" and an equally religious saying "Holy crap, these people ARE losers!"

So am I morally corrupt (not including any superfluous information you might already have concerning me) for enjoying the plight of others just a little?

Umm, YES.

Seriously though, I've been afraid to mention that URL, lest this humble (stop laughing) little tribute to myself eventually find itself featured there... I skimmed the page a time or two, and saw people decidedly less geeky than me ranked pretty "highly". Oh well. Laugh while you can, but just remember that what comes around goes around.

Dear Famous,

Why is a wonderful, charming, sincere, caring, exciting, good looking guy like you so hard on yourself?

Hey just asking ..

Thanks for the letter, Mom! Hope all's well with you, too! (That was a JOKE, by the way... this letter did NOT come from my mom... as far as you know...)

But seriously... I don't think I'm hard on myself at all. Though I exaggerate a bit for comedic purpose, there's really nothing inherently untrue about anything I write. And again, just as I had written a few days ago, if I'm so great, what am I doing here? Obviously there's something wrong. The only question is whether that something is wrong with ME, or with EVERY woman on the planet.

Dear Famous,

I just logged on to your site, and all I could see was the picture of the nun at the computer, and the colors were all messed up. Why is that? I did eventually get to see the rest of your page, but I had to use Internet Explorer. Let me tell you a little about myself: I use a Mac, and surf with Netscape Navigator. I realize that most of the world uses PC and Explorer, but couldn't you design your site to be a little more "Mac-friendly?"

-The other 10% of the world

Dear other 10% of the world,

Ummm... Nope. The only Mac with which I concern myself is preceded by the word "Big". Actually, I don't have Netscape, so I've no idea how the site looks viewed through it. But frankly, it's really nothing special through Explorer either. Regarding the nun and the messed up colors, that's because I suck as a graphic designer, and switch image formats from bitmaps to jpegs several times as I edit the images. Y'know, you probably saw the site just fine and your issues are with the fact that I'm a lousy programmer!

Dear Famous,

Just wondering-is there a prize for being the 1,000 th site visitor? How about the 1,001?

PS my car's name is "Jazz" A silver grey 96 Eclipse.
PSS Its a male
;)
a fan

Dear fan,

Well, the 1000th visitor never came forward, so I never had the chance to award any prize. I can tell you that number 1001 sent me a screen shot verifying status as such. And it even turned out that she's local and very cute! But, unfortunately, I'm not in the running in that regard. She was offered a congratulatory dinner, we'll see if she accepts it. If she's still following the site, keep in touch!

PS - My car wanted me to ask your car what he's doing this weekend... 'Cause she knows this little place that... aaahhh, never mind. My car's even worse at hitting on people than I am. :)

Dear Famous,

How do I go about impressing a girl I really like?

You didn't read too much of this site before you asked me this question, did you? In case you haven't noticed, probably 75% of it is me complaining about being single.

But I'll try to help anyways.

The most important thing is to listen. Very few guys today do. She'll tell you exactly what she wants, all you have to do is hear it. Catch is, she's probably not going to tell you directly, in English, verbally, until after you're married. You're being tested and screened right now. Some hints to help you pass the tests:

1. If you can't remember it, write it down
Simply put, if you forget an important day, game over. Do you know when her birthday is? WRITE IT DOWN. Do you know what her favorite flavor of ice cream is? WRITE IT DOWN. At least until you're able to remember it all on your own. Remembering the "little" things is absolutely critical if you're to stand a chance. Doing so will improve your status with her.

2. Don't try so hard
No, this doesn't mean that you can excuse screwing up. But the one thing that freaks girls out is guys being too overzealous in the beginning. Go ahead and fold the paper napkin into an origami rose, but hold off on the skywriting until later

3. Be nice to her friends
Yes, even the annoying one who hates you. Her friends can be powerful allies, and difficult adversaries. It's better to have them on your side, because at this stage, they know more about her than you do. And you NEED this knowledge!

4. Gauge her reaction
Relationships are a two way street, and you need to notice how she reacts to your behavior. If she likes it, keep stepping up. If not, slow down. If it's meant to be, you shouldn't have to force anything.

5. Most importantly, BE YOURSELF
NEVER pretend to share an interest if you don't. Lying WILL catch up to you. In 6 months, she'll ask you a question about something you told her in the beginning. It's easier to remember the truth.

Good luck!

Dear Famous,

I just spent 10 minutes of my life reading emails some losers with nothing better to do with their time or minds have sent to a complete stranger in hopes of some kind of "quick fix" for their lives. So my question is: Is it wrong that I enjoyed it? Should that really make me feel better about MY life and personal situation?

Bored and confused

Dear Bored and confused

Should you enjoy it? Absolutely. If you don't, then I'm not doing a very good job here. Should it make you feel better about your own personal life? Probably not. I'm just an idiot with too much time on my hands, so if anyone feels that "enlightenment" should result from this page, well, you're only fooling yourself. I'm just another opinion, but the difference is I'll admit that much. You think Dear Abby or Dr. Laura will ever come right out and admit that no professional credentials are necessary to give advice? Or that counseling is one of the least regulated businesses? I don't mean to make light of the good things they do (whatever they are), but just because they're more highly paid than I certainly doesn't make them any more insightful.

And for those of you that might recognize YOUR questions printed here, and would like to take issue with the fact that another reader has called y'all "losers", feel free to send in your comments. If a good, nasty flame war doesn't help you to temporarily forget about your real-life troubles, nothing will.

Dear Famous,

There's a girl I really like. She's sexy, smart, funny, and we have a lot in common. We have a lot of fun together and I think we've become pretty close. She has a boyfriend but he doesn't treat her very well. I can't stop thinking about her and I really want her to break up with her boyfriend and go out with me. But I don't know how to tell her that I think I'm falling in love with her. I know that I'd be better for her.

Dangerous ground... I've been there a few times! I've got a few thoughts. If she isn't married, living with him, or in some way obviously working towards a future with him, what's the problem? Ask her out if he's not a "serious" boyfriend. If it's meant to be, even a friendly chat at an ice cream parlor can be a good way to break the ice. And even if the feeling isn't mutual, at least you've saved a little pride by not overdoing it (and gotten ice cream)

But if this other guy is territorial, jealous, or otherwise mentally unstable, you're likely in for an ass-kicking. Just for the sake of argument, let's assume this guy is an idiot, the girl's questioning her relationship with him, you're great, and the two of you are meant to be. Let's also assume that by "not treating her very well", you mean that he's just not a thoughtful, considerate person, and that he doesn't cheat on her, hit her, or anything like that. If that's the case, she needs help - more than I could give here. Skip the rest of this response and get her into a network of support!

Now even though you SAY it's what you want, the LAST thing you want is for her to dump him for YOU. You do need him out of the picture, but a relationship based on sabotaging a current one of hers isn't destined for much. What's to stop her from leaving you the same way when some other great guy comes along?

Here's the solution. I know you're not gonna like it, but it's the best one and you're probably already there. Be her friend. The best relationships come from friendships. Sounds obvious and easy, but there's a catch. Friends support each other almost unconditionally, and respect each other's choices. That means as long as she's got a boyfriend, you need to back off and let her be. If this guy really is a moron, she'll realize it ON HER OWN, break up with him ON HER OWN, and come calling on you ON HER OWN. Friends don't mess up each other's love lives.

Be there to listen, remember her birthday, and support her in whatever choice she makes. THAT'S where love begins. If you're trying to break up her relationships, you don't love her. You just want to have sex with her. Big difference. I know it can be tough, and there is the possiblity that she'll never come around. But if you're really her friend, you'll be happy for her as long as she's happy.

Good luck. You're not in an easy position, but you're certainly not alone in it. We've all been there. Just do the right thing. Even though it's frustrating in the short term, it'll build a much better relationship when she finally comes around. And by showing class and consideration, and demonstrating that you respect women and are capable of having mature relationships, the likelihood of being alone is greatly reduced on your part.

Dear Famous,

It seems whenever you turn on the news some country is invading some other country. We (the United States) seem to be in everyone else's business all the time. If you could pick one country you think would invade us, which do you think it would be and how would they do it?

Neutral Isolationist Socialist Boy

Dear Neutral Isolationist Socialist Boy,

Hmmm...I think someone's trying to bait me here... But I'm bored today and it's nasty outside so I'll bite.

As for us being in "everyone else's business all the time", I'm just gonna leave that alone. If I ever get REALLY bored maybe I'll start a "Politics of James" page. But I'm neither particularly proud nor ashamed of us as a country right now, and will confine my rantings to issues that are more likely to be relevant to day-to-day life. I'll save chest-thumping macho bravado (as well as anarchistic cries for revolution) for occasions which better merit them.

But the country most likely to invade us: I'm thinking Sweden. And they'll do it by saturating our radio airwaves with generic indistinguishable noise polution, which will soften the mental capacity of those who would otherwise be able to stand up and fight back the Swedish juggernaut. You think Abba was a fluke? I think they were just the beginning... of the end. God help us all should they reunite...

Dear Famous,

how can i get my girlfriend to be in a threesome? it's my fantasy and i've tried to get her to but she wont do it. can you help me find a way to get her to?

This is a joke, right? You're not seriously expecting me to address this here, are you? But what the hell, for the sake of updating this column regularly I will anyways...

Let's start with the "how can I get my girlfriend" part. If you were ready for a mature, serious relationship, you'd understand that there is no "getting my girlfriend to _____". You're not asking her to sit through a bad movie with you, or leave you alone for an afternoon so you can watch a football game. Those are compromises, and are acceptable because you should be willing to do so equally when she wants something similar.

But you're not asking her to grant your fantasy with a compromise. You're asking her to experiment with bisexuality. If that makes her uncomfortable, then nothing you say or do should EVER convince her to try it. Would YOU be willing to play with some guy she brought home? If not, I strongly suggest that you stop trying to get your girlfriend to give in if she doesn't want to do it. And if so, well, you're not ready for a real relationship because there's only room for two in one of those.

You wanna swing from the chandeliers, be my guest, but leave that poor girl out of it - she deserves better. Find someone else who just wants to mess around and let your "girlfriend" go, pal.

If the "girlfriend" is reading this, my advice to you is to RUN!

Dear Famous,

I have question that you in your infinite wisdom might have an answer to:
Which is better: 1) a job that annoys, ticks off, frustrates, and leaves one feeling stepped on, misused, helpless, and exhausted--your basic corporate shat-on nobody-- or 2) a job that is so tedious, cloistered, grey and insular, lacking in both emotional and mental stimulation, that you leave it every day feeling a little less alive, a little more numbed and quieted, like some washed-up middle-aged loser?

Sincerely,
Mr. Drone

Dear Mr. Drone,
Geez pal, MY job combines both #1 AND #2, so quit yer bitchin' and count yer blessings!

Of course, we're here to help YOU right now. So let's think about this. Basically what you're saying is that you're not happy with your job. Well, there's a reason that it's called a "job". Not too many people are happy, satisfied, and filled with content during their work day. ALL of us would rather do something else. Just remember that there are 16 hours left in the day after work. Unless you work retail, then you only get 10. But I digress...

Seriously though, the best thing you could do would be to STOP defining yourself by what you do for a living, and find stimulation in outside activities. If your job is mindless and/or stressful, yet pays you well enough to afford your indulgences, indulge them. Define yourself by what you do on your days off. Build a train set. Read a book. Take up sculpture. Build a snotty website and give strangers bad advice for free. But do something else to build, use, and enjoy your mental and creative energies - the ones you're NOT using at work. Remember that your job is only what you do to pay for what you REALLY want to do.

If your job stinks, AND it doesn't pay you enough to seek outside stimulation, well, what are you still doing there? Life's too short to be miserable all day long. Visit www.monster.com or something. There are other jobs out there, my friend.

Essentially, work sucks. There's no way around it. Just focus on the things that DON'T suck instead. You'll be much happier that way.

Dear Famous

Why are guys such assholes when it comes to relationships? I guess I should rephrase that. Why does it seem that men are only interested in one thing? It seems that no matter what I'm wearing, even jeans, big sweater, and no make-up at all, I seem to be the magnet of men who just want to fool around. Explain this phenomenon to me. What is it about men makes them think about sex 24/7?

Just for the sake of argument, I'm gonna turn this around just a bit.. what is it about YOU that you only seem to DATE men who are such jerks? If they're being jerks, LOSE 'em and don't feel bad about it because there are plenty of decent guys out there. Trust me. Don't lose a minute's sleep over some guy who doesn't deserve it.

Of course, strictly in the name of science, I'd have to see a picture to accurately analyze this phenomenon.... preferably color.. from many different angles... Wait a minute, is this thing still on? Oops...

In all honesty though, that's how a lot of guys give compliments - physical affection. I know that's not what you want to hear. And granted, it's totally immature, and causes a lot of trouble for everyone. But nonetheless in our own prehistoric, ape-like way, it IS a compliment. That doesn't justify it, but a little assertiveness on your part would certainly put a stop to it. A sincere, "Y'know, I'm just not ready for that right now..." should be all it takes. Any decent guy would completely understand. Only a complete idiot wouldn't.

And again, if a guy isn't treating you the way you want to be treated, LOSE him. Let him know the boundaries, and enforce them. You'll get much more respect that way, and save yourself a lot of aggravation and heartache while you wait for a decent one to appear. And I absolutely promise you that you will find one eventually. When you do, get wild and have a blast! :)

Got a question for Dear Famous? Is it especially salacious and/or sleazy? What are you doing still reading this? SEND IT IN already. All identities will be kept in strictest confidence. For the record, James has no qualifications, no license, no skill, and little ability to actually improve your life. But he will tell it like it is.