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Letters to an Idiot:

Aaahhh... An old favorite. Whenever I'm tempted to just cash in and assume control of the wealth of a Zimbabwean national, I shoot off an email to my old buddy Johnson Protius. He's important, and really rich. And best of all, he wants me to manage his money here in the US. Check out the email I got from him:

TEL:27-83-746-4105

Dear J.Russell,

My name is Johnson Protius,the eldest son of Mr.Benson Protius of Zimbabwe.This might be a surprise to you about where I got your contact address. I got your address from the South Africa Chamber of Commerece in Johannesburg, South Africa.

During the current war against the farmers in Zimbabwe from the support of our President Robert Mugabe to claim all the white-owned farms to his party member and his followers, he ordered all white farmers to surrender all their farms to his party and his followers.

My father is one of the best farmers in our country and because he did not support Mugabe's idea, Mugane's supportes invaded my father's farm and burnt everything in the farm, killing my father and made away with a lot of item in my father's farm.Before his deth,my father had deposited with one of the security company in Johannesburg,South Africa the sum of US$12.2 Million(Twelve Million Two Hundred Thousand United States Dollars).After the death of my father,we decided to move to the Republic Of South Africa where he had deposited the money in a security company as Valuables.

So I decided to contact overseas firm and companies that will assist me to move money out of South Africa because as an assylum seeker we are not allowed to operate any bank account within South Africa.We have agreed to offer you 20% of the total sum for your assistance,5% will be mapped out for any expenses that may be incurred in the course of this transaction and 75% will be for me and my family to invest in your country.

All I want you to do is to furnish me with your entire personal phone and fax number for easy communivation. You can contact me on the above telephone and fax numbers.

Note that this transaction is 100% risk free and absolutely confidential.

Thanks and may God bless you.

Regards,
Johnson Protius

COOL. Of course, I couldn't pass up an offer like that. But there are some things about me that 'ol Johnson doesn't know. Would he still trust me to manage his family fortune?

I am absolutely speechless. What sort of information would you need in order to expedite this transaction? I hope you understand that confidentiality is of the utmost importance... The South Africa Chamber of Commerce has been trying to extradite me back to Johannesburg for nearly 20 years. They consider me a criminal, and accuse me of bilking naive foreigners out of their life savings. Luckily, I have amassed substantial wealth over the years and have been able to avoid their efforts.

Please contact me at your earliest convenience. Maybe I can cook you a festive tribal dinner to celebrate our financial alliance. My treat, of course...

Best,
-J

Yup. Within hours, I got this reply:

Date: Thu, 25 Jul 2002 01:29:31 -0700 (PDT)
From: "johnson protius"
Subject: URGENT.
To: "James"

Dear James,
I am glad with your response to my business proposal to you.I have to be frank and will like you to show me all seriousness to make this transaction a reality.I want us to build trust and keep this transaction very confidential until it is completed soon. I thank you for your presence in this project, I prayed very hard for honest and humble man to assist my family in this transaction. Once again thank you. I will do my best to tell you about the process needed to accomplish this project as you requested.

What is needed to be done is to secure the fund from the security company,move the consignment from my name to your name,in that way the current origin for the money will be eased.Once this is done, we can now take delivery of the consignment in your name, remember the security company does not know the true content of the strong box,it was declared as family valuables.The idea was to conceal the true content of the deposit because of fear that the consignment might be lost or stolen if persons working at the security company knew the real content of the box this is good for us.What we are doing is to prepare for the unknown. My investment adviser is preparing all the necessary documentation to make sure that this transaction is done within international and local financial rules and regulations,it is important that all aspects are accomplished satisfactorily and within legal provisions,these I have made clear to my adviser and his associate.

I will like you to be with me during this process,not only that,to come to South Africa to open what is called a non resident investment bank account required for the movement of this fund to your overseas bank account(s), this is important, because it is imperative that the fund goes from you to you.There are some points I have to emphasize to you before we progress.

(a)Note that our mutual interest is to transfer this fund into your nominated bank accounts successfully for onward investment under your direction and supervision.

(b)Note also that the entire transaction is 100% risk free as all the modalities and requirements of the south africa monitary and financial policies have been met through the help of my investment adviser.My investment adviser have arranged with a reputable company based in johannesburg, South Africa to backup this money upon bank transfer.

(c]Note that you have to follow my instructions strictly because on my side here, I have skillfully planned this transaction because my whole familys life and future depend on this fund.

(d)Will the bank accounts which you will provide the details to accomodate this money when successfully transfered into upon your arrival?Are the bank accounts alive and functional?My investment adviser has agreed to do everything humanly possible to see that the transaction is successful soon.I will like you to telephone me at your convinient time for clearification on + 27-83-746-4105.

if you have any question please ask me, it is important that you understand the procedures totally. Finally,i want you to provide to me immediately your confidential telephone number and fax number for direct communication(it will be kept confidential). Thank you once again and looking forward to a better relationship built .

Yours Truly,
JOHNSON PROTIUS.

He sent me his phone number. That means it's totally legit. Tempted by the possiblity of a $3 million dollar payoff, of course I jump at the opportunity. But there were some problems...

Johnson,

Due to the accusations leveled against me by the oppressive American government, I cannot guarantee confidentiality when using the telephone. I fear it has been tapped, and that conspirators may monitor my telephone conversations. I tried to call you from a secure location, but there was no answer.

I have arranged for travel to South Africa. On which date shall I meet you, and should I bring large amounts of cash with me as a good faith gesture? Surely you'd expect nothing less from a man of my sincerity.
-J

Date: Sat, 27 Jul 2002 04:31:46 -0700 (PDT)
From: "johnson protius"
Subject: URGENT.
To: "James"

James,
Please let me know of your travel arrengements so i can get all relevant documents ready.This way,you would spend minimum time here.
Cheers.
Johnson.