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Letters to an Idiot:

Subj: my customer service nightmares
Date: 7/17/02 7:41:52 AM Pacific Daylight Time
From: XXXXXXXXX@hotmail.com
To: famusjames@aol.com

I tried to send this once before, so if you get this twice, my apologies.

Back in the land of customer service, I was gifted with three incidents that stick in my mind to this day.

1. When working as a teller in a bnak, a man came up to my station to exchange a roll of pennies. I looked at the roll and could tell he had too many pennies in it. It was stuffed to capacity, lacking even the room to fold the ends over, so he taped it closed.
"I'm sorry", I said, "but there are too many pennies in this roll. You're only supposed to put fifty pennies in a roll."
His response? "How the hell am I supposed to know when I've got fifty pennies in a roll?"
I had to sympathize. Sesame Street only teaches you to count to twenty, after all.

2. During my stint as a bookstore clerk, a teenager came in looking for a book. He had trouble finding it so he came to me for help. "What's the title?", I asked.


"The Wreck of Ed, by sowfooks", he said. He had written the author spelling on a sheet of paper.

Well, that didn't ring any bells, so after a lengthy title search, author search, and search through Books In Print, I asked the obvius question: "Are you sure you have the correct title and author?"

"Yeah", he said, "I need it for a book report in English class"

Then it hit me. "Do you, by any chance, mean Oedipus Rex, by Sophocles?"

He did. Man, I'd love to have seen that report.

3. A customer asked me to help her find a book. "What's the title?"

"I can't remember."

"Who is the author?"

"I'm not sure."

"What's it about?"

"I'm not sure of that, either. But it was blue. Can you help me find it?"

Sure, we keep all of our blue books right here, ma'am.
Hope this makes you laugh a bit. Loved the site!!

Subj: great site
Date: 7/17/02 3:42:46 PM Pacific Daylight Time
From: XXXXXXXX@telus.net
To: info@famousjames.com

I found your website through Pop Culture Junk Mail: http://www.popculturejunkmail.com/ I used to dream about working in a bookstore, but after reading your Wacky Customers section, mmm, I think I'll keep it a fantasy.

--PJ, an admirer in BC, Canada

Subj: Love your site!
Date: 7/18/02 12:18:41 AM Pacific Daylight Time
From: XXXXXXXXXXXXXX@aol.com
To: Famusjames

I have been in customer service for my whole career, first in restaurant management for ten years, and now as a concierge at a 4 Star resort, and man, people are so stupid! All of your stories made me laugh because they were so familiar.

Great web site, keep it up!

Oh, best of love to your kitties, too...I have a beauty who will be eleven in August but still thinks she's a kitten. She's fat and orange and white, named Marcella. Did you see that thing on the news on Tuesday about some asshole who threw a kitten on a barbecue? Made me sick.

Ok, best of luck to you!
Stephanie in Arizona

Subj:Blog
Date: 7/18/02 4:17:09 AM Pacific Daylight Time
From: XXXXX@nettally.com
To: famusjames@aol.com

Love the site - courtesy of USA TODAY so your inbox is probably stuffed to the hilt. I managed convenience stores for 6 years. Now granted, one would hope that one coming into a book store could actually read, and in the gas station business there is no set criteria for even being of the Homo sapien species, but still I feel your pain, immensely.

Will you marry me?!

Always,
Jacki

Subj: god...thank you...thank you thank you thank you!
Date: 7/18/02 7:04:24 AM Pacific Daylight Time
From: XXXXXXXXXXXX@blackplanet.com
To: famusjames@aol.com

i just got done reading your diary

i swear... i worked retail for so long... i really thought i might be jailed for killing one of these morons - except i wouldnt go to jail unless my "peers" wwere my customers, and frankly, i never really considered them to be among my peers

i worked at dunkin donuts for two years. This is the 6th circle of hell. It was also new hampshire, in a college town, near a sanitarium and on a trucking route

some of my stories would curl your toes. and not in a good way.

my boss thre actually had the nerve to put up "the rules of good business"

yea...uh huh...riiiiight

i countered with the ten rules of bad business (i wont bore you with all of them)

number 1? the customer is always WRONG

and of course number 6: the customer is either A) Drunk; B)Insane; C)noticably lacking of any reasonable amount of intelligence

maybe i will do the same thing for dunkin donuts...

retail workers of the world UNITE (against the moronic customers and even worse owners who expect us to bend over and grab our ankles for them)

again...thank you
--

Subj: loved the "diary"
Date: 7/18/02 7:14:04 AM Pacific Daylight Time
From: XXXXXXX@linkamericacorp.com
To: famusjames@aol.com

wow. not only have i encountered many of the people you wrote about, i was one of them last week. 2 1/2 weeks ago, i called the Movie Trading Company and asked them to please order "Barfly" on dvd for me...well, it was for someone's birthday. "vickie" looked it up, said it was available and that she'd order it and it'd be in probably in a week. fine. that was perfect. just in time. so, i called back a week later to see if it had arrived and was told by "the manager" that although it was available to order, it was not "in stock to be delivered to them". um, either it is available or it isn't. needless to say, the surprise gift was ruined and i was a total bitch on the phone to some dillhole for no other reason than it made me feel better to be such a bitch. really though. surely there had to be some way, some person that could have informed me (at home OR at work- i gave BOTH numbers) that i would not be getting the movie that was ordered for me. by the way, "it'll be in before the end of the year." great. can't wait. dillweed.

thanks again for the laughs this morning.
-wendy

Subj: i hear you...
Date: 7/18/02 7:32:43 AM Pacific Daylight Time
From: XXXXXX@nrharural.org
To: famusjames@aol.com

I am a recovering Borders employee - opened the downtown Seattle store in 1994 and worked there as a clerk for 3 years. Your column has successfully negated any and all latent nostalgia I had for that time.

"I'm looking for a book. I think it's blue".

"I'm looking for a book. It was on this table yesterday. (gift wrap table).

I don't remember anything else about it."

"Tell me what I should read."
- Good luck to you.
-- kathy

Subj: loved it
Date: 7/18/02 7:43:52 AM Pacific Daylight Time
From: XXXXXXXXXXX@target.com
To: famusjames@aol.com
I work pt time at a Barnes and Noble in an affluent Mpls suburb, and I totally relate to your stories. I printed this off and will bring it in for my coworkers! especially relate to the kid behavior - seems the richer they are , the less controlled are their kids

Subj:
Date: 7/18/02 9:08:38 AM Pacific Daylight Time
From: XXXXXXXXXXXXXX@hotmail.com
To: famusjames@aol.com

a friend of mine recently sent me a link to your site. it was like reading what happened to me at work. i also work at a book/music/cafe. and ive got quite a few stories to share. let me know if you want to hear any of them.

Subj: website
Date: 7/18/02 9:50:57 AM Pacific Daylight Time
From: XXXXXXX@summerstreetpress.com
To: famusjames@aol.com

As a former Borders employee, I totally understand your frustration with the subhumans you encounter. My most hated type: yuppie soccer moms. I'm surprised people who actually read books can be this stupid. I'm not sure who I hated more, the customers with a-hole attitudes or the ones with retarted questions/requests. Borders employees especially have it bad, because they deal with customers in a wide range of situations: check-out, information, section work, food/drinks, special orders, etc. You're doing an important service exposing these morons. I wish I'd have thought of this outlet.

Rock on!
Jess

Subj: Your website
Date: 7/18/02 10:00:21 AM Pacific Daylight Time
From: XXXXXX@wutv.sbgnet.com
To: famusjames@aol.com

I must tell you, as someone who also writes a column (on a local website in my town) and who also enjoys making fun of people, that your Wacky Customer Archives are hysterical, not to mention well-written.

You should indeed, write a book.

Keep up the good work.
Jon May

Subj: Funny Retail Story
Date: 7/18/02 10:18:57 AM Pacific Daylight Time
From: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX@lmco.com
To: famusjames@aol.com

I found your page from a link on the USAToday site. I found many of your stories to be quite funny. It made me reflect back to my days of working a night and weekend retail job for a women's clothing store in Pentagon City Mall Arlington, VA.

During one of my shifts we were hit by a group of shop lifters that had been working other stores in the mall that night. I was asked to come down to security to identify items stolen from my store. When I got to the room I saw 5 women handcuffed with piles of clothes beside them. The officers asked that I id the items and give an approximate value of each. Our management had always instructed us that when giving a value, it should be the full retail value even if the item is on sale. Well, there were two pairs of denim shorts that were priced at $50 but were on sale for $29.99. When I gave the officers that amount, the girls started "negotiating" by stating that they were on sale for $29.99 not $50. All I could do is look and almost laugh. How absurd is it to be dickering over a price of an item that was stolen? I know there are dollar amounts associated with crimes with regards to felonies vs. misdemeanors. However, I couldn't help but thinking how dumb they were. Even if they were caught red handed, I would have thought the smart thing would have been to keeping their mouth shut. As I recall, they had their day in court but I didn't have to go and testify because they had enough evidence without witnesses from each store.

It has been 10 plus years but I remember this situation and still laugh about it.

Thanks!!
Rhonda Edwards

Subj: you fucking rock.
Date: 7/18/02 11:01:47 AM Pacific Daylight Time
From: XXXXXXX@tribune.com
To: famusjames@aol.com

I just wanted to say that your stories here are incredibly entertaining and sadly enlightening. It's too bad that people like this are allowed above ground. Thanks for sharing your words, and please keep doing so...

Sincerely,
damien

Subj:
Date: 7/18/02 11:35:50 AM Pacific Daylight Time
From: XXXXXXXXXXXX@yahoo.com
To: famusjames@aol.com

Hey James,
Your diary entries on stupid customers are hilarious. I used to work at Little Caesar's, and had several encounters with idiots:

- About an hour after picking up his pizza, a man returned to the store with a box, saying there was "something wrong" with it. I opened it, only to find...one slice of pizza. I told him it must have been OK, since it was almost gone. Actually, this happened on an almost daily basis.

- A number of people had the gall to return to the store more than 10 minutes (usually longer) claiming that I hadn't completely filled their drink cups. Nice try.

- As pizzas were backing up on the oven, four phones were ringing off the hook and customers were piling up in the store, I got a call from a man who wanted to know if the pizzas "came in a box." I said no, we just hand them to you to toss in your passenger seat for the ride home. Try not to get tomato sauce on the seat covers.

- Customers frequently would order their pizza by calling one location, then showing up at another who didn't know them from Adam. Then they would start cussing me out when I told them there order was indeed ready.....in Chandler (35 miles away).

Anyway, thanks for the laugh.

J. Riddle
Phoenix, AZ

Subj: Butch Walker
Date: 7/18/02 11:50:07 AM Pacific Daylight Time
From: chris@odonnellweb.com
To: info@famousjames.com

Thanks for pointing out the Butch Walker site. I just ordered the CD, never heard of the guy before hitting your site today, but I love his stuff. Your right too, he'll probably sell about 1000 albums while the crap on the radio sells millions. Oh well...

You might want to check these guys out, http://www.combinationlockmusic.com

DC area band, a friend is plays guitar for them, and there is a 80's metal undertone to a lot of their music. I suspect you'll dig it.
Peace
Chris
http://odonnellweb.com

Subj: Thanks for the diversion
Date: 7/18/02 11:59:38 AM Pacific Daylight Time
From: XXXXXXXXXXXX@scoe.net
To: info@famousjames.com

Dear James,

Just wanted to let you that your "My Wacky Customers" page really broke up the monotony of my day. Actually, it was passed on to me by a friend and it wasn't until after I had had a hysterical laugh or too that I realized it was all taking place in my own home town. A thousand times funnier now if possible because I can totally feel your pain. I used to work in a department store here. At least when you have a poo surprise from a customer, it's in the bathroom. Try cleaning a dressing room. Maybe the mutant was confused as to what kind of stall they were in, though you think the absence of a toilet would have cleared up that dilema. Happily, I now have a lovely government job which allows me the time to peruse crazy sites during my busy phone answering and direction giving. Never lose hope.

Hey, if you have time (or inclination) to answer, who is the guitar signed by in the collage on your home page? I couldn't quite make it out but I deeply enjoy the tiger stripes.

Thanks,
Embeth

Subj: Your diary
Date: 7/18/02 12:01:08 PM Pacific Daylight Time
From: XXXXXXXX@msn.com
To: famusjames@aol.com

In a word, hilarious. In another word, so true. Alright that is two words. After years of working in Human Resources I feel your pain. Thanks for making me laugh out loud. Hopefully you have educated some people but I doubt it.

Lynne

Subj: Dear Famous
Date: 7/18/02 3:00:21 PM Pacific Daylight Time
From: XXXXXXXXXXXXX@tulane.edu
To: famusjames@aol.com

I have a two part question... 1) Is there any good way to get your boss fired even though the only reason you can come up with is simply that she is a colossal bitch? And 2) Do people actually live in Idaho or is it entirely populated with potatoes?

Thanks for your help on these matters that have kept me up many a sleepless night.

Subj:
Date: 7/18/02 3:58:13 PM Pacific Daylight Time
From: XXXXX@ppcweb.net
To: famusjames@aol.com

I found your articles funny, interesting and unfortunately believable. Glad to know I'm not the only person around that feels most people these days are stupid, ignorant and rude. Keep writing maybe some will learn from it.

Subj: Too Funny
Date: 7/18/02 6:07:43 PM Pacific Daylight Time
From: XXXXXX@sunflower.com
To: famusjames@aol.com

James-
Your site is so absolutely funny! I used to work in a bookstore (for 4yrs.) and can totally relate. I am no longer in retail and it brought me right back reading all of your "daily adventures"! I think one of my favorites to add is when I got yelled at by an older woman who had just heard me yell at a ten year old boy for grabbing a porno mag off the shelf. She actually told me that I shouldn't have yelled at him because I surely embarrassed him. PLEASE! I just told him that he was not allowed to look at the adult magazines since he wasn't 18. I calmly told her that it was against the law for him to be looking at the "porn", unless he was a really young looking 18 year old. She actually "huffed" at me. Whatever.

My other story also has to do with porn mags as well ( I so wished we didn't have to carry them in the store). One of my co-workers came across a 30-something man in the children's section with his sweatpants pulled down to his ankles just jerking away with a PLAYGIRL magazine. She grabbed him by the neck (she was a 5'11" volleyball player) and marched him out of the store, all the while with him loudly protesting "What did I do? Why am I getting kicked out?" Like he was just "browsing". Ick.

Keep up the funny entries...I'll read everyday!

Stephanie

Dude,

Do these items really have your www.famousjames.com 'logos' on them, or are you just f*cking around with us? I thought you might have created a fake commerce site, but it appears that this is for real. Please elaborate and clarify! Inquiring minds want to know.

Subj: Wacky Customers
Date: 8/1/02 7:18:39 PM Pacific Daylight Time
From: XXXXXXX@aol.com
To: Famusjames

I'm up way past my bedtime reading your crazy customer stories, and I just had to e-mail you. Well, obviously I didn't HAVE to, but I wanted to. Anyway...I'm the assistant manager at one of your competitors, and I think every one of the customers you described has come into my store, too. As you said in your disclaimer, I, too, love my job and 99.999% of the customers, but GEEZ. Some of them really just need...well, they need to not exist, ideally.

It's not so much the craziness, that part I can handle. Send me a schizophrenic any day. It's the unreasonable people I can't handle! My store buys used books as well as selling new and used books, and when you get into people selling their books, it's all the regular frustration times ten. It's not unusual to have someone plant a water damaged box on the counter, filled with moldy books with no dust jackets, spider eggs and vaguely (or not so vaguely) smelling of cat pee, and announce "These have been in the basement for twenty years, and it's flooded twice, what will you give me for them?" Since we have to make an offer on EVERYTHING, we give them a quarter and tell them we'll throw their stuff out for them. People go nuts! They insist we're taking their valuable books, giving them a quarter, and reselling them at 20$ each. I want to scream "Look around the store!! Do any of these books have mold? Are any of them lacking dust jackets? DO YOU SMELL CAT PEE ANYWHERE BUT IN YOUR BOX?"

Oh, the stories! Anyway, I am sure you get a hundred book store employees e-mailing you every day, so I won't bore you with more! Yes, I will...just one more, though. Clearly we all have similar, um, "bathroom" disasters, but here's one that I think should win an award - twice in one week the bathroom at one of our stores (not mine, thank God) was purposely vandalized. Not with markers or paint, but with, you guessed it, shit. All over the walls, in the cracks of the walls, on the fixtures - everywhere. I'm not sure how this person came up with so much to get it spread so far and thoroughly.

Fun stuff, our jobs. But I do love it, even though a lot of the time I can't really explain why.

Darcy

Subj: Hehehe...retail Web site
Date: 8/2/02 6:02:26 PM Pacific Daylight Time
From: XXXXXXXX@aol.com
To: info@famousjames.com

Hiya.

Have to say I love your site about mutant customers. Strangest thing is, I've had such a Web site myself since July 2000! I was wondering if I can link my Web site to yours since they are similar subject matter; I even work in a bookstore (in a Books-A-Million) and have a similar level of disdain for stupid helpless people...I have often seen their handiwork (in the form of a large pile of disorganized books on the floor and a nice half cup of coffee from the café perched nicely on a bookshelf) and thought, "These CANNOT be people. They are animals, and they are foraging. That is the only explanation. They are a different species."

My site is at http://www.envy.nu/swankivy/worklog.html if you'd like to see the page I want to link to you. (I also have a very long list of things that I hate about working in retail, but that is just a related site.) Please let me know if I can link you. Thanks!

~*~*iVY

Subj: you rock!
Date: 8/6/02 11:50:29 AM Pacific Daylight Time
From: xxxxxx.xxxxxx@gapac.com
To: famusjames@aol.com

I work or shall I say slave part time at our local barnes and noble... affectionately referred to as barnes and hell or barnes and Chernobyl depending on the day... at one point or another, I've had the "pleasure" of waiting on all of these customers. Is it just me, or or people getting dumber by the day? Keep adding- god, these were wonderful. I"ve forwarded your link to every retail galley slave I know.

Thanks for the laugh....

Rachel

Subj: fraud!!
Date: 8/6/02 8:21:59 PM Pacific Daylight Time
From: xxxxxxxxxx@nettally.com To: info@famousjames.com

Sir James,

Ya know, I saw on the website that you have Tony Sarno's cd in your player in the car. I decided to pop it into the stereo while I cleaned out the fish tanks this weekend and I noticed something appalling.... He did a remake of the John Hiatt song "alone in the dark." Now, I may be quoting this incorrectly, but I believe there is a rule in the music industry which reads:
"Once a song is used in a bad Schwartzenegger movie in which Jamie Lee Curtis does a really sexy dance to it, there is no reason to ever (and I do mean evvvvvvvvver) do a remake of said song."
So your boy Tony tried to do a remake of the song, but it was totally fraudulent due to the Jamie Lee Curtis rule.

Next I saw that you sell apparel? Some fool from Musicland sells apparel? I'm not gonna pass any judgement, but that smells a little fraudulent also.

While I'm here party pooping, let me really throw gas on the fire: I saw the Eva SaveALot commercial where your girl is walking around in a black bikini. I saw it once, ONCE! She says she hit 30 this year, but in the bikini she was looking like that may have been calculated in dog years. Alysa, my friend, may also be joining the ranks of the fraudulent.

That's all for now.

Ron

Subj: (no subject)
Date: 8/9/02 3:56:16 AM Pacific Daylight Time
From: xxx.xxxxx@verizon.net
To: info@famousjames.com

You are my hero.

Subj: Loved the site; contribute story?
Date: 8/11/02 10:41:31 AM Pacific Daylight Time
From: lura@lura.net
To: famusjames@aol.com

James, This is Lura of Lura.net. I used to be an assistant manager at Doubleday (a subsidiary of Barnes and Nobles) in Tampa, Florida.

Every single story resonated with me: children on the counter, idiot teachers, ancient non-customers, and people who expect you to know what they want even when they themselves obviously haven't a clue. I've had almost all the same experiences - - the only difference is that the bookstores I worked at didn't have public restrooms available. After reading your entries on that subject, all I can say is THANK GOODNESS!

Here's one of my stories, feel free to post it if you wish, just provide a link to my site if you don't mind. It's an absolutely true story. I have a couple others too, let me know if you want me to write up any more.

I worked in a small, upscale bookstore in a semi-swanky shopping area. One morning, a very disheveled forty year old white guy walks into the store in a t-shirt, shorts and flip-flops. This was unusual, but I didn't dwell on it. A few minutes later, a lady, dripping with diamonds, informs me that I should have that man escorted from the store. Politely, I asked "why"? Circumspect with her response, she answers "Because he's sitting on the floor."

As I look down the aisle, I see that this man is indeed sitting on the floor - legs splayed open. His hairy left nut is hanging out of his corduroy short-shorts.

So there I am, a twenty-one year old, female assistant-manager of the store. I'm the one who has to deal with this situation; I'm the one in charge and there are no male employees at work. Blushing in seven different shades of red and straining to keep eye contact, I attempted to strike up a conversation with this man, trying to get him to stand up and look at some merchandise in another part of the store. But he wasn't so easily moved. When my attempt failed, I had to be direct. I told him that he needed to leave the store. When he asked why, I said "There's a problem with your shorts." He smiled, winked, and exited.

Subj: About your website
Date: 8/14/02 3:10:34 AM Pacific Daylight Time
From: xxxxxxxxxxxxx@aol.com
To: Famusjames

Have you ever seen the movie "Clerks"? I read through your entire site, you might get a kick out of it.

That's all.

Signed,
Kevin

Subj: Dude Lighten Up.....
Date: 8/16/02 4:57:27 PM Pacific Daylight Time
From: xxxxxx@yahoo.com
To: Famusjames@aol.com

In your pictures that is......

I just saw your pictures section. Do you ever smile, or are you going for that unaffected Rock Star look? But I must say the hair is longer and stronger than ever.

Hey I'm really looking forward to the Tesla show on 9/21. Keep me posted on what's going on, and what I owe you for the tickets. How was the show at the Konocti? I bet it was killer.

As for the girl at Konocti, jump on that. Cut yourself some slack and ask her out. She's right up your alley......hopefully she not in your alley right now stalking you.

Take care buddy, and I'll see you soon,

Greg